Four Anchors

Before our second child was born, we heard cliche and completely well-intentioned things like, "Two is more than twice the work of one!" (True.) and "Now you've got to switch from double teaming to a man-to-man defense. (Also true.)  Then we had a third and people said, "Uh oh...now you've got to switch to a zone defense."  After three, there's nowhere to go with this metaphor.  You just become more and more outnumbered!  Well, I've got something new that helps explain the way I've felt about the joys and inconveniences of parenting.  If you are planning to have more than 3 kids, I have a new analogy to give to you.

You are on a boat, and each of your children is an anchor.  First, you have one baby.  You throw an anchor overboard and feel the weight bounce and bob from your arm.  The anchor throws off your bearings, but you are still essentially the “you” you always were.  With one anchor, it’s still relatively easy to shop, to go out, to find a babysitter.

Then Child 2 is born.  Tie another anchor to a leg.  Again, you feel the weight and you readjust.  That pulling weight is heavier now, but it’s still manageable!  Babysitters may be a little more scarce.  It is definitely more difficult to go out to dinner with them or to run errands.  You manage though, and still you are still “you.”

Child 3 comes next.  Tie an anchor to your other leg.  Now, when this anchor goes overboard, the weight might knock your legs out from under you, but you will stand up!  You will be okay!  Babysitters are a precious commodity now.  You know you ask a lot when you leave someone to fend for themselves with three little ones.  Dinner out is difficult.  Keep reinforcing good behavior with positive reinforcement.  You have to expect to have 80% of your attention on keeping all of them entertained, happy, and comfortable. (Think plate spinning!) 

Finally child 4 is born.  You are tied by both hands and both feet to anchors dragging in the water.  Finally the boat comes to a crashing, creaking halt.  The boat is anchored to one spot.  So, you have a choice.  You continue on struggling against the weight of 4 anchors and sometimes treacherous ocean waters of life, or you change.  Don’t despair though, friends!  There’s a happy ending to this story!  The boat of single life has served its purpose, and it was a great little boat, but it’s time to disembark.  Maybe you were so busy trying to untangle, and pull, and maintain these anchors that you didn’t notice yourself slamming into the beach!

Get off the boat, and get your toes in the sand!  You have arrived at the place that you’ve been sailing to all along!  This is what you were meant to do.  Let go of your ideas of self the way that you’ve always seen “you.”  Your “self” is not gone, but is permanently interwoven with these 4 anchors.  The weather may get stormy on the island, but these little anchors are going to keep you grounded.  Once you get off that old boat, these anchors are not dragging you back, they are permanent fixtures that you can care for, adorn, and love.  

Now living on a boat is much different than living on an island.  Get your land legs.  You’re not going to get the alone time you used to get.  This is a time of your life when you have to embrace being part of and co-leader of a group.  You’re going to have to turn down some socializing and outings that might have been possible before.  Be assertive- if you know it’s something that you or the kids can’t handle without going crazy, you have to turn it down.  You’re going to have to figure out how to relax and enjoy yourself in quiet moments instead of whole afternoons.  Most of all, try, try, try to appreciate your little anchors and all the adorable things they say and do. 

The chains of the anchors will get longer and longer, and they will need you less and less.  Embrace this time, and embrace your new sense of self as a part of a whole!